I'm Okay. Please and Thank you.

A month ago, an ex-lover whom I call the Back-Straightener e-mailed, demanding an explanation as to why I deleted him as a Facebook friend. The terse message contained 38 words in all, not one of them was a please or thank you. It ended with, “Your hair looks great.”*

A (s)mash up of feelings ruptured, from indignation to indifference. The left side of my brain wanted to rip out, “Because you're a spineless, cheating, self-centred wanker. Get over yourself. Pronto.” The right side of my brain zeroed-in on his fragile male ego and coolly ignored the Back-Straightener's Christian Bale-esque petulance. He needed a timeout. Permanently.

I didn't listen to my instincts and heed to right brain's advice: delete, delete, delete, right now.  Do not, my right brain warned, entertain him. But I didn't give in to left brain's irrational battle-cry for vengeance either. The message sat in my inbox as I navigated through my reactionary states, dissecting the Back-Straightener's ulterior motive (if he had one), trying to extract the banality of his request. At the end of the day, the banality wasn't that he wanted an explanation one year after the scandalous unfriending--it was that he felt entitled to one.

When I eliminated the Back-Straightener over a year ago, I ended a relationship wherein the bad memories eclipsed the good ones. The ultimate lover of leaving, the Back-Straightener expected me to be present when it was convenient for him and called me out on my female coldness when I (uneasily) stood my ground. When he stood me up (numerous times), he'd bug me to forgive him, pointing at (again) my female coldness if I didn't. Our Facebook connection only enabled him to launch narcissistic banter and condescending advice, further enriching the bad memory bank. At that point in my life, I had paid off all my debts, I was beginning to wean away from a destructive alcohol binge AND smoking habit, trying to understand my depression triggers and working towards my creative goals; my life was treading on loose ground, but it was taking shape in the right direction. The Back-Straightener was repulsed to hear that my life had tanked (“This is not the Charlene I want to know”) and reproached any progress I achieved under my terms.

So I cut the bastard out.

Albeit, the Back-Straightener's recent email wasn't necessarily Ground Zero, but the emotional undercurrents attached were kicking my anchors. Because it wasn't so much the Back-Straightener the person that disgusted me, it was his invasive privilege and what he represented—inauthenticity and dishonesty--that provoked a motley crew of emotions I thought I had processed and packed away. Talk about a rude awakening. My super-humane friend, David, who was visiting Vancouver during the holidays reminded me that heavy issues are often best resolved when life is coasting smoothly, not at the aftermath of disaster. My life is not perfect, but I am content. 2009 has my best year since I started my recovery from depression in 2007. The Back-Straightener's demand for answers to his issues only served to motivate me to work on another important task: building more honest and authentic relationships.

Authentic and honest relationships have never been easy for me to form and maintain. I don't cheat, lie or bamboozle people or those I'm closest to. The only person I've ever cheated, lied or bamboozled is myself in exchange for acceptance, affection and for the sake of good public relations. In my previous post, I shared that it was easier to auto-smile and front the yes-girl act rather than disturb other people's comfort or expectations of me. I wore the make up, sewed the costumes, handed out programs, did the song and dance. The painful irony of it all is the people I believed in and laboured to please walked out before the end of the first act.

The last few weeks has been a challenge of sorts as my impatience towards inauthentic relationships has grown rapidly in concert with the growth of my new goals and commitments. I want to clean up house so to speak, and shut the door for a while. Fresh emotions have bubbled as I reflect on my personal attachments and contemplate the relationships I value beyond measure, the relationships I need to put on hold (for now) and the relationships I need to bury in a time capsule.

I'm in that process right now, one I know will be lengthy as relationships shifts when situations change. Whatever happens, I'm grounded in knowing what authenticity means to me: To be able to have my guard down and admit defeat without being scrutinized for being weak or irresponsible; To be able to share my accomplishments and goals without self-censorship. Most of all, I want to be able to share all the great and horrible stuff I've gone through without guilt, or worrying that I'm bothering everybody with “my stuff”.

All of this involves creating boundaries, yet another new task. Being a recovering yes-girl, I didn't have a model to follow** or the affirmation (not that I need anyone's approval but I wasn't aware of that back then) that it's completely normal to say no once in a while. In understanding this, I recall a moment when an ex-boyfriend, early on in our relationship commented that he worried about me sometimes because I was always “okay with everything”. My response? Yup, I smiled. I'm okay, I told him, dishing out the two words I knew would avoid conflict. But I didn't know who I reassuring, him or myself.

Creating boundaries to safe-guard authenticity--the dialectic is constant. As for now, I have close friends I've pulled closer and protected who can raid my fridge, eat the last slice of pizza and make long-distance phone calls on my land line ANYTIME. For everybody else, they can visit, but they gotta knock first and mind their manners.*** These are my boundaries for now folks. I'm entitled to them.

The most stubborn and judgemental person I have to contend with is myself. Eradicating doubts, understanding my limitations whether they are temporary or here for the long haul is messy, especially for someone with cold anger (I'm working on this!), with the tendency to be very black and white on certain issues and with certain relationships. Letting go and accepting that I'm completely powerless (and not responsible) over other people's actions and situations are Middle Earth customs I need to get a better handle on.

I'm working on it.

As for the Back-Straightener? I replied, after a week. I have nothing to explain, I wrote and hoped that he had everything he's ever wanted in his life. It was the most authentic answer I could offer him, as I really do hope the Back-Straightener has everything he wants in his life. He's hurt too many people along the way to fulfil his wants.

15 words was all the message contained.

Not one of them was a please or thank you.


 *I'm assuming he thought this shallow compliment was enough to nullify his lack of decorum and compensate his low EQ.

**Aside from the divine, NYC-based Ms. Ninotchka Rosca, I really had no local models to emulate.

***Which includes not talking smack about my red walls or the number of chairs I have.