Dating Politics Part 4: Conference Etiquette

It’s a known secret among the left that conferences are the mating safaris for activists and social dissidents. Building solidarity is to militants as feathers are to peacocks. But similar world-views and the forte to chant “the people united will never be defeated” in 62 languages doesn’t necessarily produce class love. So if you’re one of the many male activists—from idealistic neophytes to veteran card-carrying comrades-- to have mobilized a dozen or more activist women to march away from your love cause, read carefully the following points—conferences are always in season!

1. Be on time. Unless to you were a) held up at the border/airport by immigration officials; b) boarding the plane this very second because you were on stand-by for a cheaper flight; or c) fulfilling conference-related tasks (shuttling delegates, photocopying, collating info packages, painting banners for the post-conference rally), there’s no excuse for being late. Tardiness reflects your priorities (or lack of), ideological strength (or weakness), respect (or disrespect) for the conference and its organizers, the majority being women. And if that doesn’t help, consider this: we’re serving the people, trying to change the world—and you’re late?

2. Don’t throw your weight around. Be the ultimate featherweight conference champ; don’t campaign your presence like a desperate GOP half-wit (especially if you were late and missed the plenary session). This rule applies to the following:

• Don’t boast how long you’ve been a leftie, how many meetings you’ve chaired, how many times you’ve been arrested, your longest hunger strike, how many whales you’ve saved, how much blood you’ve donated. Your actions are noble, but not original. Whatever you’ve done for humanity, a million other activists did it long before you signed your first petition. Don’t take it personally, it’s part of the left territory.
  
• Don’t brag about how many or what books you’ve read. This is a dead giveaway that you’ve read very little, or worse, that you’ve not understood anything you’ve read. It also assumes that you’re all theory and no practice, the latter generally more favoured with activist women who are keen on applying sex love methods in the context of class love relations.
  
• During solidarity night, recite ONE poem, or sing ONE song, or do ONE dance. You’ve blessed the mic; tour-jetted across the marley floor; you’re talented; we get it. Now raise your fist on behalf of international solidarity and immediately exit stage left. Short and tight performances will arouse activist women. It’s about leaving them wanting more.

3. Stay in the kitchen. Wash, rinse, dry and put the plates away. Repeat process after every meal for the entire conference. You see, activist men who volunteer for kitchen duty are consciously liberating themselves from the old-school patriarchal values they’ve inherited. They’re more attractive than the posers who sit around armchair-revolutionizing/intellectualizing everything. This goes for the mactivists fronting the “Men of Quality Respect Women’s Equality” t-shirts who show up late but tear ass to party--leaving the clean-up/set-up/washing up to the fairer sex. The best thing about kitchen duty? You’re with women.

4. Zip your lip. Fidel Castro holds the record for the longest speech running at 7 hours and 10 minutes. Of all his revolutionary accomplishments, don’t emulate this one. As Chairman Mao noted: “Talks, speeches, articles and resolutions should all be concise and to the point…[and] should not go on too long.” So get off your soap-box, wipe the mic of your spit and learn to finesse your opinions. Remember, it’s all about leaving them wanting more.

Dating Politics Pt. 3: Sex Love vs. Class Love

Or bourgeois love vs. proletarian love. Or decadent love vs. activist love. Or idealist love vs. materialist love. Any way which way you call it, activists have their own culture, their own language, their own concept of love and how to express it. Here’s a general run-down about the love-ways of activists (class love) in comparison to society’s general attitude towards love (sex love).

1. Your relationship philosophy is:

Sex Love Metaphysical Hedonism, “Serve me me me me me!”
Class Love Dialectical Materialism, “Serve the people!”

2. You met:

Sex Love At a party, in a club, in a bar, online.
Class Love At a rally, at a conference, in prison, at a picket line.

3. Your weekends are spent:

Sex Love At a party, in a club, in a bar, at the movies.
Class Love In meetings, at rallies, at a conference, at a hunger strike.

4. You resolve arguments by:

Sex Love
Her: Cutting back on shopping, gossiping, and nagging;
Him: Cutting back on sports night with buddies and being more attentive.

**(This is after volatile screaming whereby one of you stormed out to “cool off”, got drunk, crawled back home with your tail between your legs and woke up miserable and shit-faced. Your other half smirked I-told-you-so all morning.)

Class Love
Her: Reaffirming revolutionary proletarian principles and expelling petty bourgeois tendencies;
Him: Reaffirming revolutionary proletarian principles and expelling erroneous patriarchal thinking and sexist tendencies.

**(This is after an intense criticism/self-criticism process where both of you identified the internal and external contradictions of the conflict thus establishing a higher state of unity and a stronger relationship.)

5. At your wedding, you marched down the aisle to:

Sex Love “Bridal Chorus” by Richard Wagner.
Class Love “The International” by workers of the world.
**(Alright, words by Eugène Pottier and music by Pierre Degeyter-- but the song really does belong to the workers on the principle that workers own nothing and share everything.)

6. Your wedding vows consisted of:

Sex Love “To love, honour and cherish until death do us part.”
Class Love “To love and honour you as I love and honour the people, serving them as equal comrades side by side on the long and glorious march to freedom.”


7. You spent your honeymoon in:

Sex Love Hawaii, Mexico, Jamaica, the South of France, at a party, in a club, in a bar, on the beach.
Class Love The Middle East, Asia, Africa, at a Human Rights Tribunal, in a refugee camp, at an anti-imperialist gathering, in an international fact-finding mission.

8. You name your children:

Sex Love Emma/Sophia/Olivia; Aidan/Ethan/Jacob
**(Canada’s top baby names for 2007 according to Babycentre.ca)

Class Love Rosa (as in Luxemburg) / Clara (as in Zetkin) / Gabriela (as in Silang);
Karl (as in Marx) / Salvador (as in Allende) / Andres (as in Bonifacio)
**(The children upholding mom’s name as their last name, of course.)

9. For anniversary gifts you give:

Sex Love Silver, paper, China, jewelry
Class Love Each other, nothing more, nothing less. Or, the latest version (or rare first edition) of the Communist Manifesto, matching political T-shirts, organic hand-woven jewelry, Pablo Neruda’s collection of political poetry

10. And finally, He/She is the love of your life because:

Sex Love He/She wants to give you the world.
Class Love He/She wants to save the world.

Dating Politics Pt. 2

You rallied passionately for her attention, and even employed protracted guerilla war-fare tactics. But in all honesty, you charmed the fist-wielding activist woman simply by knowing that whoever authored What is to be Done? did not write Working class Hero. You succeeded one battle; on to the next one soldier because dating a political Alpha-female requires that extra effort. To maintain your morale through the long march, review the previous tips and study, analyze and practice this latest post:

1. The evening is going well. You’re executing brilliant ripostes to her sharp counterstrokes in the Beauvoir/Sartre style and have reached a mutual understanding of inflating heart rates--so why ruin it by cheaping out on the date? True, the activist woman is financially self-sufficient, but if you did all the methodic wooing, then splitting the bill (she’ll insist on paying her half anyway) or covering the entire tab are your only options. It’s not about a class thing; it’s about doing the classy thing.

2. Do not divulge your fancies of Middle-Class suburban life. This will not impress the activist woman. To her, the patriarchal nuclear family is a crusty Neolithic construct and she will laugh at you. Or vomit. Her reaction will depend entirely on her sense of humour or gag reflex, so shush about the mini-van and soccer tournaments. Please get real about this, not all women are vying
to be a desperate housewife.

3. Ditto about the 2.5 kids. “Romantically” imposing on the activist woman the karmic virtues of motherhood is arrogantly presumptuous and embarrassing—for you. Yes, she believes children are the future, we have to teach them well and let them lead the way (insert chorus here), but for the activist woman, motherhood is a choice, not a “natural calling”. The activist woman does not aspire to be someone’s baby mama, does not yield to her biology and to her, Sigmund Freud is the Devil.

4. She’s liberated. Therefore, she does not practice her emancipation by
liberalizing her legs like a bad economic foreign policy. She, and she alone has sole jurisdiction over her libido and knows how she wants it, when she wants it. She’s liberated. ‘Nuff said.

5. If, at the end of the night you’re just not that into her, tell her. Rejection can be a monumental ego-pulvarizer, but is not apocalyptical in comparison to the rapid glacial meltdown, African civil unrest or getting your face blown off by your BFF, like what that dick, Vice President Cheney did. She is a woman with perspective, and she will get over you.

As for you, liberate yourself. Be the modern man. Be responsible. Again, it’s all about the “are there any good men left?” thing.




*Illustrations by Andrew Sayo

Dating Politics

Eyeing that woman left of centre but lack the strategic war-plan to conquer the political love/lust battlefield? Trying to snag a fist-wielding sass is like trying to understand the divisions of the Canadian Senate--frustrating, but not impossible. Below are tips for the guys who can't decipher Lenin from Lennon but who rally passionately for the attention of the class-conscious activist woman:


1. She reads Bakunin and can map the architecture of the Khmer Rouge Party, but an activist woman is not a secret agent for terrorist cells or Rogue States. So no cracks about her so-called Molotov cocktail collection and stop looking for her supposed copy of the Anarchist Cookbook on her bookcase or underneath her bed. She is trying to save the world. Not blow it up.

2. The advantage of dating an activist woman is her total lack of interest in the technological advancement of fibrous hair gum and the latest texture of over-priced skinny jeans (no mall-talk or what you think of her hair!). This is of course, NOT an excuse to reject basic grooming and canning the pit stick. An activist woman frees animals, not date them.

3. Do not throw around political jargon if you are not familiar with the vernacular of the left. Assaulting her (or anyone) with heavy Marxist rhetoric and sermonizing your hate-on for the MAN who steals the fruits of your labour stinks of desperation and will guarantee a spot in her canon of worst dates ever.

4. She is a critical thinker and excels at dissecting societal follies but do not assume she is your willing audience for angry rants and groundless manifestoes (even if you are cozy with the vernacular of the left). She is your equal, not your disciple, so rid yourself of that Che Guevara-complex. Personality disillusionment is disturbing.

5. She may be able to wrangle the megaphone and lead a million-woman march; is quick with the come-backs and can dodge the paddy-wagon, but opening doors and sending flowers are turn-ons no boycott can live up to. Chivalry will make any woman blush, militant or not. It's all about the "are there any good men left?" thing.

*These may not actually work--in fact, you may end up crushed and defeated, but hey, all's (un)fair in love and politics.